Fox On The Run
# I don't wanna know your name
# 'Cause you don't look the same
# The way you did before
# OK
# You think you got a pretty face
# But the rest of you is out of place
# You looked alright before
# Fox on the run
# You scream and everybody comes a-running
# Take a run and hide yourself away... # - Mum!
- Mum? - Oh, hello, Kim.
- Kim, what are you wearing? - My new Heidi Klums.
- They're not hiding very much. - Shut up, Mum.
Anyway, here are my smalls.
No, Kim, I'm not doing your washing for you.
It's Kel's and I date night tonight.
We're watching Red Dog on Blu-ray. Can't wait.
What am I supposed to do? You know I don't know how to use the machine.
No, Kim. I'm putting my foot down.
Ooh, that reminds me.
- Got to get some Wart-Off. - You're so mean!
- I've got no time! I hate my life! - Kim!
I'm supposed to be a trophy wife, a helicopter parent,
a ho in the kitchen, a princess in the bedroom!
Princess? Kim, life is not a fairytale.
Well, I wish it bloody was. 'Cause I'm over it.
Oh, hello, Mandy. Yes, take a picture, it'll last longer.
# Fox on the run
# And hide away. #
Fairytale?
Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Fountain Lakes,
there lived a foxy empty-nester called Kath.
She was a speed reader with 18 TAFE diplomas.
A greenie, she'd gone solar and had worms.
- Just some Wart-Off, please. - Sure.
Hm.
Give it a go.
Kath's daughter Kim was a spoilt princess.
Mum!
And the laziest girl in Fountain Lakes.
Kim's dad was Gary Poole, of Gary Poole's Pools.
He ran off with Wendy, from Creepy Crawly...
You know what to do with that, don't you, Wendy?
- Wow. - Gary, phone!
You take it. I'm off to Honkers.
...leaving Kath in the lurch and up the duff.
But she was rescued by a knight in shining zip-up shoes - Kel Knight...
Insatiable
Oh. Kel, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Mind the bananas, Kel. They're $14 a kilo!
...a purveyor of fine meats and a great hunk o' spunk.
Would you like me to take the skin off your breasts?
What else can we get you? We've got the rissoles. They look nice.
What's in your Mystery Box?
But after the honeymoon, Kel got boring.
What do you think for the protest march? The gumnut babies or the gnomes?
Do I have to come, Kath? One person isn't gonna change anything.
One person can change the world, Kel!
- Kel? - It's a Mystery Box, doll.
I think the gumnut babies. They're nice, aren't they?
Kim's second-best friend Sharon was still desperate and dateless,
and had been on every celebrity diet known to man.
Oh, here she is! The biggest loser!
- Oh, Sharon. - Hi, Mrs. D. Hi, Kim.
- What's wrong? - Got to go to the toi...
It's my new diet. The Orlando Bloom Prune Diet.
Ohh, wow! That diet really works!
- Respect, Orlando. - Thanks, Mrs. D.
- You're still fat. - Oh, Kim!
Oh-oh!
Kim was married to Brett.
Hello! Revolting!
And they had a beautiful daughter Epponnee Rae, who was terribly gifted.
Suck it up, Epponnee.
Brett was gorgeous, but a doormat.
- Get off my chair! - Oh, oh! Sorry, Kim.
90 seconds to go and scores are level.
History'll show this is one of the great classic grand finals of all time.
Previously on Australia's Next Top Model.
Not even twice struck-off reiki practitioner and life coach Marion
could save Brett and Kim's marriage.
I just want to make her happy. Whatever I do, it's never enough.
How do you feel about that, Kim?
Totes devo, I suppose. I just never thought I'd end up with a bald wingnut.
Nup. Stuff this. I want a divorce.
I think that went well.
Fox On The Run
My worms are gonna love this compost.
And so, Kim moved back to Lagoon Court,
and styles were cramped - big-time.
Can somebody answer the phone, please?
We can't, love. I'm blowtorching my nuts.
Then one day, Kath got some exciting news.
Hello? Kath Day-Knight speaking.
Yes? What? A trip?
Oh, wow! Oh, absolutely!
Oh, yes! Thank you, Verruca, and please thank Terry Pattinson Pharmacies for me.
- What's happened? - It's unbelievable!
I bought a bottle of Wart-Off and I've won a trip for two to Papilloma.
- Where? - Right on the heel of Italy!
- And a thousand bucks spending money. - Italy! I'm going to Italy!
I'm not taking you, Kim. It's what Kel's and my relationship doldrums needs.
Kel! A trip!
Gee, Kath. I can't get on a plane.
I'm sorry. You know how it is. And the MasterChef finals.
All those hours I put in. I can't miss that.
They're talking premium economy, not zoo.
- Sorry. - Yay! I'm going premium zoo.
Monday, Tuesday...
So, Kel stayed home, Kath took Kim,
Sharon tagged along and they all lived happily ever after.
Fox On The Run
- I'll miss you, Kim. - You're only human.
- I wanna try again. - Nup, Brett.
No offence, but I can do a lot better.
Now, Epponnee has got Little Miss Princess Pageant at 2:30.
I am going to rock it out and win grand supreme.
Ssh, Epponnee, please. Mummy's talking. Then petite pole dancing at Pineapple.
- Yeah, I know. Then Wee Glee. - Bye, Epps.
Not the hair! Nails!
- Hurry up, Mum. - I'm coming. Where's my vanity?
Did I pack my passport? It was in my bumbag. Where is my bumbag?
- You've got it on, Kath. - Oh!
Kel, going without you has got me so vajazzled.
Sorry, Kath. Gotta go. Can't handle the airport.
- Life is short, Kel. Life is dull! - OK, doll. Ta-ta.
And I believe life's there to be lived, Kel.
Mum! Come on!
What have you got in here, Kim? Weighs a ton!
Come on, get the bags up here.
Welcome back, ladies. What's happening in Italy? Work or play?
Bit of both. We are on a buying trip down south for the shop.
Yeah, just looking at beautiful things. You know, fine bone china,
Philippe Starck-ers, Russell Hobbs-nobs.
- Stop it, Prue! You're dreadful! - He does have beautiful knobs.
Can I organise a meal for you ladies in the lounge?
No, I'm gonna be good. I'm just gonna have an artichoke and a Diet Coke.
Hi, Soph. Oh, no, there's no snow?
Oh. Look, I've gotta go, Mummy's working. OK. Bye-bye.
Help, Kim, please.
Mrs. D? Kim? I just wanna say thank you, guys, for letting me tag along.
Now that I've dropped all the weight, people can see the real me.
I'm going to be beating them off with a stick.
Come on, girls! Papilloma, here we come! Fun times ahead.
Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep
- Ciao, bella. - Oh, wow.
- Ciao. - Ciao.
Right back at you, mister. I could get very used to this.
- Ciao, bella. - Now, the bus to Papilloma. Come on.
# Far far awayayayay
# Last night I heard my momma singing a song
# Ooh wee chirpy chirpy cheep cheep
# Woke up this morning and my momma was gone... #
It says here that the Catholic kingdom of Papilloma
is a tiny Spanish outpost on the heel of Italy.
It has been invaded many times,
and is now ruled by the widowed King Javier from Spain.
It has recently opened up after being closed to the west since 1985.
Is this us? Is this Papilloma?
No. Papilloma long way. This outlet shopping.
Outlet shopping! That's DFOs! Oh!
Ohh! This is more like it! Kim! Kim! Armadillo shoes over here.
Oh, my God! Labels, labels, labels! Nutella Versace, Vulgari!
Oh, Kim, look! Ofendi bags!
- Oh! Polio shirts, Kim! Is this real? - Of course.
For you, bella, three euros.
Hey, Mrs. D, what do you think? It's a pretty pattern.
Oh, no, Sharon.
What, Kim?
Louise Vuitton roll-ons!
Oh, Trude, look at the way it's built. Divine!
I know, it's a beautiful palazzo.
No, I'm talking about the gardener. Woof!
- Prue, you're dreadful! - That one's mine.
- I'm tired! - Really?
- Hmm. - Oh, look at the cute little volcano.
I just wanna soak in a Crabtree & Evelyn jojoba bath.
Oh, I'm over jojoba.
Are we nearly there yet? I'm busting.
I look a hundred bucks in this new bandage skirt.
- What about my bling, Kim? - We're here.
Don't Cha
# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
# Don't cha
# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
# Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
# Don't cha
# Don't cha. #
What a dump!
Look at the mirror on the wall there, Kim.
- Gee, it's bird poo. - Is it? Oh, still looks nice.
- Where are all the shops? - Seriously, I am so busting.
- It's foul! - No, Kim.
Evidently, it's the birthplace of Michelangelo, Leonardo, Donatello.
What? The Ninja Turtles were born here? That is interesting.
- Hi, we're Aussies. - Hmm.
FML! No signal!
Buenos dias.
Oh, Kim. All these people look so poor and hungry.
I'm poor and hungry too, Sharon. And I'm in platforms.
Sh! Kim, please.
Now, we've got to find this B & B, the hotel, the Casa De Morte.
Oh! I think we'll try around there. Come on, move it.
Alright, and don't scratch my luggage, Sharon.
- Oh, Mum, we've been here before! - I don't know! It all looks the same!
- No, you don't know. - Oh, be quiet.
- You could help with the luggage. - Hello! Nails!
- Hello? - Food. Food.
Food? Food? Oh. Um...
I only have my Cedal breath spray.
Aie.
Um... hotel. We stay... Here.
Booked here.
Terry Pattinson Pharmacies? No?
No hotel. He's a close.
Papilloma bankrupt. You go. Go.
- Oh! - Good one, Mum.
Oh, jinkies, what to do?
Oh! Well, look,
we'll just have to go straight to the castle tour and find a hotel later.
Oh, I could kill Terry Pattinson!
Look, there's the castle!
I wonder if the King's here.
King Javier, a tour group has arrived.
Ladies, sire. Just your type - rich and stupid.
Alright. Showtime!
- Now, where's the door? - I don't know.
Oh, here it is. Come on, this way.
- Oh, I'm so hot! Take this. - I hope they have a toilet in here.
Oh! I stink.
What beauty do I behold?
Look at the height of the ceilings!
I wouldn't like to be paying the abducted heating bills.
- Hold this for a sec. - Kim.
Hey, Sharon, look! The queen was a Fanta-pants.
What?
You know, red hair, no friends, like you.
Oh, Kim, that is so mean!
My hair is not red! It's chestnut.
- Bienvenido. - Oh.
Welcome, ladies, to Papilloma. I'm King Javier at your service.
Nice to meet you, King Javier.
I'm Kath Day-Knight and this is Kim and Sharon.
Pray, tell me what do you make of our tiny kingdom?
- It's nice... - It's different.
- It's nice. - It's unusual.
It is nice, different, unusual, a bit Spanish.
- But in Italy. - Yes.
We Spanish like to conquer all we see.
- Why are you going red, Mum? - What?
Is that the change of life? Got the 'pause, the pause, the pause.
Stupid girl.
And tell me, where do you stay now in Papilloma?
Oh, well, we have had a muck-up with our accommodation.
- So we haven't got a hotel as yet. - Well, you must stay here.
I am virtually empty-nester now.
Just me and my son Julio rattling around.
- Be my guests. - Is that wise, sire?
And I would be honoured if you would join me at dinner tonight, Kath.
Oh. I think you might just have me over a barrel, King Javier.
Yes, thank you. We'll take that.
- Page, take their bags. - As you desire, sire.
And I hope that you and your sisters enjoy the stay.
Um... thank you for that.
So what's the protocol? Do I pay now?
No, no, please. No.
OK.
- So, what's your name? - Alain.
- Uh... Elaine? - Alain with an A. I'm a page.
Oh, Alain the page. My name's Sharon. I've never met a page before.
Well, I'm a lot more than just a page.
Let's just say I am the man behind the man behind the man behind the throne.
Wait here. You, come with me.
Psst. Psst. Father?
It's unbelievable. It's like fate has brought her to me this very moment.
- Who? - My future bride.
- Where? - Just here, now, the princess.
Princess?
Oh, it was written in diamonds on her T-shirt.
So, she rich and gorgeous, Father.
Well, she's rich.
That is true. They were dripping in Versace.
But she must also be of royal blood.
I am sure in my heart that she is not just an orange-skinned beauty,
but also has blue blood.
I will prove it, Father.
Be careful, Julio. She must not see your freak show.
Meanwhile, I will work on the cashed-up foxy one.
Thank you, Isabella. That'll be all.
This is your room. The King will see you for dinner at 6:30 sharp.
Oh.
Oh, Alain, what's the dress code tonight? Ritzy, tizzy?
- Do your worst. - OK, I will.
- Don't touch that. - Keep your wig on.
You two are in here.
What the hell was that?
No, I heard nothing.
Bags this bed!
Well, I bags Elaine the page. He's a spunk.
Nup. Something weird about him.
Did you see he didn't give me the hairy eyeball once?
Oh, this is nice.
Now, has anyone seen my baboon-bums? I'm going to the gym.
# Here she comes # - Hello, there.
# The million-dollar queen # Oh, yeah
# So stand back, everybody
# 'Cause she's gonna make a scene # Gonna make a scene
# She wears a mean pair of jeans # Tell me what you mean
# A mean pair of jeans # Oh, I see what you mean
# And they're oh so tight... #
You know, I could get used to this -
someone carrying my bags, making my bed, tow-kowing to me.
- Brett did all that. - Point being?
Kimberley, Kimberley If a princess you be
Let down your hairs And prove it to me.
Oh, no!
Oh! Oh... Kimmy.
- So, your husband is a knight? - Oh, yes. And a purveyor of fine meats.
And he let such a foxy lady travel alone?
- Oh. - And you're a lady of some means, Kath?
Well, you know, I'm comfortable.
I bought in the boom and sold in the bust,
and now I'm living high with the hog.
The hog. Your daughter. She is a princess, si?
Got it in one, Your Highness. A right royal P in the A.
Wow, I am impressed. You own your own house, and it is in your name entirely?
Yes, and I've negatively geared it, which is great,
now the Aussie dollar's parrotty.
So, if your relationship is in the doldrums, I can help.
Call me now.
Written and authorised by Marion Cunliffe. Results may vary.
If you haven't tried frozen yoghurt,
here are some great reasons to try Little Moon.
Hi, Kath. It's me. I've been a nong.
I don't tell you this enough
and it's the most important thing I can ever say...
Oh, MasterChef's back on. I'll call you back.
Peter, that chicken is fit for a king...
- Kath? - Oh!
Would you now join me for a nightcap?
We can talk more of your huge share portfolio,
and maybe later, you can rollover my super.
Oh, that sounds nice.
Oh, my clutch.
I love your shoes. Are they Rivers?
- Hermes, winter, '85. - Oh.
Good times.
Where's the TV? I wanna watch Top Model.
What's that?
That is a Pfaff knitting machine.
Your mum had one when she went through her Coogee phase.
Ow!
Ow! Stupid Pfaff!
- Oh, so this is your good room. - Please, make yourself cosy.
Have you got a flat-screen hidden in some ancient credenza somewhere?
What's that noise?
Ahem. If that is all for now, I will retire, sire.
Yes, of course, Alain. Go.
Don't sit so far away, Kath.
- More wine, Kath? - No, Your Highness, I'll get tiddly.
- Please, Kath, call me Javier. - Perhaps I should go.
But it's only midnight,
and those pumpkin pants are doing things to me.
They are more of a sweet potato. But thanks for noticing.
You know, Kath,
I believe life is short.
Life is dull, life is full of pain.
- Snap. - Hm. And it is there to be lived.
Perhaps just half.
- Gotta watch you. - No.
I got to watch you.
Oh, I'm so lagged!
I could sleep for a hundred years!
Wow, Kim, you're just like Sleeping Beauty.
Well, you're sleeping.
Good morning!
- Good morning. - It's beautiful, no?
- Oh, yes. - Please.
You look stunning. Is that Thakoon?
Oh, no. Resort Report, it's their Confusion label.
Good morning. How did we sleep?
- Foul. - Yes, you look foul.
Oh, thanks.
Well, beautiful ladies,
I invite you all to be my guests at a costume ball this Saturday.
Oh, wow! How exciting! A costume ball!
I'm gonna go to the spa and have a makeover.
- We don't have a spa. - Yes, we do.
- Is it near the gym? - We don't have a gym.
You do. I did my glutes and clacks last night.
- Alain, bring my scooter, the red one. - If you require, sire.
Kath, I will see you outside in five.
Oh, OK. Well, I better go and change. This is not really a scooter skirt.
- Of course. Good morning, ladies. - Ta-ta.
Sharon, put these in your backpack for 'ron.
# Oh, baby, you give me the chills
# Whisper low in my ear
# Let me know how it feels... #
- Are you for real, baby? - I think so.
Hop on board.
Better hold on tight. Could be a bumpy ride.
# I love how it feels with your jeans against mine
# The smell of burning leather as we hold each other tight
# As our rivets rub together flashing sparks into the night
# At this moment of surrender, darling if you really care
# Don't touch me there. #
I don't know where it is, Graham. Have a look in my Beemer.
Put Zoe on for a minute.
How's the rowing going, Zoe? Great.
I've got to go, darling. Mummy's working. Alright, bye-bye.
Pretty tankini, Prue.
Oh, thank you. It's new. I got it in Kew. How are you?
Bit tired actually. Graham's being an arsehole.
Oh, really? Oh, they're all dickheads.
Ohhh, don't look now, Prue. Gay Gestapo, ten o'clock.
You know, I'm not a prude, Trude,
but I think the way they flaunt, it's dreadful.
I think the Liberal Party had it right. They should be locked up.
Or sent back to where they came from.
I know, I know. I've got one, I've got one. Who would you go gay for?
Oh, no! Stop it, Trude! The thought of it is awful! Awful!
- What about Julie Bishop? - Hm. Well, I do like Julie Bishop.
- I like her too, that death stare. - Reow!
Give us a go of your Vogue.
- Who is it? - I don't know.
Javier!
- Javier, you saved my life. - You owe me, Kath.
Uh-uh-uh, I haven't finished.
Sorry, I need to scrub the floor and set the table for lunch.
Details. Details.
You are so lucky to go to the ball. You will meet the Prince.
Alain the page has informed me
that once I've finished my duties, I may also attend.
You? A dish pig going to the ball? I don't think so.
Ow! Something's hurting me. Oh, it's really hurting! I'm serious!
Ow!
- A pea. - I am so sorry.
I could have you sacked for that.
Hey, Cuj. You love your Bretty?
Yeah! You love your Epps?
You love Kim?
I miss her too.
Here we're planning dirty coalmine and going to frack Papilloma.
Export to China, get rich.
No, Javier, you can't do that.
I mean, they're fossil fuels. What about global warming?
You're funny, Kath.
Why aren't these kiddies in school, Javier?
- We have no schools. - No schools?
- I mean, student free day today. - Oh.
Private schools, the more you pay, the more holidays they have.
You know, state-funded education is vital
for building the education revolution.
That is a sign of great respect in Papilloma.
- Oh! - Also a sign of great respect.
- Oh, so this is the spa. - Yes.
- Um... Alain, can you pumice my bunion? - What?
With pleasure.
So... are you single?
That's for me to know and you to find out.
- A man with secrets. - We all have our secrets.
What about the Prince? What's his story?
Well, I'm not one for gossip, but...
There's so much I could do here.
Renewables, a carbon tax. And what's your council doing about recycling bins?
Hey, lighten up, lady.
How about we go dancing tonight? I take you to a special little club I know.
Oh, you mean have a boogie. Oh, I'm so there, Jackie-O.
We let the hips do the talking.
Marion, my fear of flying is coming between me and Kath.
I need your help. I'm desperate.
I think it stems from a deep sexual problem
that we need to explore together.
- Really? I... I don't think so. - Trust me, Kel. You're in good hands.
I think your kimono's come loose, Marion.
Yes, have a look at these.
Think of Kath, Kel. She'll be missing you.
Now, wash the windows, Kath. You Zumba divinely.
I zertainly do. I have done the TAFE course.
So, Alain the page said the Prince was looking for a wife?
I'd marry him.
Yeah, but Alain - God, he's gorgeous -
he also said that the Prince is so butt ugly
that he has to wear a mask.
Ugly? Ba-bowm. Been there, done that.
Wake Me Up Before You Go-go
I love this song!
Kath, this is Papilloma's No. 1 song in the charts right now!
# Jitterbug
# You put the boom-boom into my heart
# You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts... #
Come on, girlfriend, let's dance!
- Alright. - Not you, her!
I'm so there, I'm already here.
# My best friend told me what you did last night
# Left me sleeping in my bed
# I was dreaming but I should have been with you instead
# Wake me up before you go-go... #
- Hey, guapa, what team do you bat for? - Oh, no, no. I'm a bowler.
You wanna see my flipper?
Didn't wanna dance anyway.
Whoa! Whoooaaa...
# Take me dancing tonight
# I wanna hit that high
# Yeah, yeah
# You take the grey skies out of my way
# You make the sun shine brighter than Doris... #
Stop! Stop!
- Guards! - Arrest them.
- Take them to the dungeon. - Alain, save us.
Do you know those men?
No, sire. Out.
Come the revolution, you'll pay for this, King Javier.
What have they done wrong?
That behaviour is illegal in Papilloma.
- Illegal? - Si.
Really?
Please take a moment to read the safety card in the pocket in front of you,
and remember, your nearest exit could be behind you.
Oh, my God! What was that?
Now the seatbelt sign has been switched off, feel free to use the bathrooms,
but remember, they are strictly no-smoking.
And tray tables up.
- But I really love him, Kim. - Shut up, Sharon!
Oh, I've had too much goon.
Kim, do you get the feeling someone is following us?
Selfies!
iPhone, iPhone, in my hand Who is the hottest in the land?
- You, my dignified and elegant bride. - Sharon?
I feel sick. I'm gonna munt.
Kim...
And you're back. Fear of flying gone.
Marion, where are your clothes? Where are my pants?
Welcome to the Mile High Club, Kel. Now, a cup of Jarrah.
- Marion, it's just not on. - Tray tables up.
Perhaps, Kath, you would like to come up and see my etchings.
Well, thank you, Javier. The tour today really opened my eyes.
You know, I'm thinking wind turbines, solar panels, human rights.
Oh, and tonight, the Tango Bub, what a great night...
Sh. It doesn't have to end.
I don't know, Kath, there's something about you.
Your bubbling personality, your curly hair.
Yes, it is pretty, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than have straight hair.
Well, I'm bushed, so I'll say night-night.
Night-night.
Oh, my godfather!
- What a scream! - I'm dying, Prue.
How the hell did we get back here last night? I'm completely blank.
- I've got no idea. Great night, though. - Great!
- I so need a skinny latte pronto. - Absolutely.
Am I going mad or was I on the table?
I don't know, you were under it, I think.
- Hello? - Hello?
- Is this the cooking class? - Hey?
- Oh, hey. Tony? - Si.
- I'm Prue and this is Trude. - Buongiorno.
Welcome, ladies. Do you like your pasta?
- Absolutely live on it. Can't you tell? - Oh, stop it, Trude! You're a stick!
No, pasta's great. Over here?
Well, today we're going to be making gnocchi.
- Let me show you how. - Ooh! Ooh!
- Can't we make cannelloni, Tony? - Or rigatoni, Tony?
- Oh! Look, a true ragout, Prue! - Oh, and a tiramisu, Trude!
Oh, it's all to die for!
- Divine! - Love it!
Alright, what's next? Tell us what to do, Tony.
- Well... - Who do you look like?
I know, Tony Soprano.
No, I think you are a bit Berlusconi, Tony.
- Oh, is this a bunga bunga party? - Or a gnocchi gnocchi party?
- No, I love you. You're funny. - What's this called? I can't remember.
I love him.
- Have you seen my hair straighteners? - No.
Gee, my poor hair. What happened there? Must've been the humidity.
Still, my clowning glory's back. That's all that matters.
Who are you trying to impress? As if I didn't already know.
The Créme de la Menthe of Papilloman society are going to be there tonight.
I just want to hold my own.
Oh, nothing to do with the googly eyes you were making at the King?
What? Excuse me? Stupid girl.
Yes, King Javier is an attractive guy,
but I won't be accused of having googly eyes, please.
Prior. Choir.
Friar with a lyre. Sire.
You know, is funny. I did just want her for her money.
But there's something about this Kath. She's so 'can do'.
And now for the final test, Father. May I have the key?
Alright, my son. Tonight our kingdom is in your hands.
But be careful, do not let the mask slip.
Princess Kim.
I'm here, bitches. Let's party!
Her second-best friend and Lady in Weight, Baron Sharon of Strezlecki.
Kath Day-Knight of Fountain Lakes.
Waltz Of The Flowers
Sharon, have you seen Kim?
- I'm here. Stupid hoop skirt. - Oh, there you are.
- Do you get it? Do you know who I am? - Nah.
Oh! I'll give you a hint.
Mirror Has Two Faces. Prince 'o' Tides. Nuts.
- My doppelganger. Streisand. - Who?
The legendary Barbra Streisand. Read your history books, Kim.
Well, I've come as a princess for obvious reasons.
I'm a friend of Dorothy's.
You know, the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard Of Oz.
Oh, well, good girl, Sharon.
Alright. Well, I'm gonna work the room. Bye.
Hi, Alain!
Kim, did you see that?
Alain was just all over Isabella and totally ignored me.
It's the ricochet flirt. He is keen as.
Oh, Babs. The shoulder pads. I love it.
Oh, thank you. What about you in your vermin and pearls?
This old thing?
- Donkey root, Javier? - Of course.
Behold this slipper. It belonged to my mother.
Please, would you do me the honour?
I'm not putting on some old grogan's shoe!
- Oh, go on, Kim. Just for fun. - Alright.
Princess Kim, you have passed the final test.
Excuse me, what...?
I now know that your heart is as big as your foot.
Who the hell are you?
I am Prince Julio, heir to the throne of Papilloma.
Oh.
Kimberly Debby Diane Day, will you marry me and be my Queen?
Awks.
Look, Prince Julio, I don't know what's behind that mask.
From all reports, it isn't good.
- That is enough! No more! - Julio, stop! Pull it together!
Nobody knows the real me!
I have never revealed the shocking truth of my afflictions.
The truth of who I am. I am not my mother's son!
Tonight, because of the beauty of one woman...
...I will reveal all.
Wait! Wait!
I am not a Fanta-pants!
I am a human being...
...with quite good teeth, actually.
I might have done better, but I've definitely done worse.
Yep, Julio, I'll marry you.
- No! - No.
He hasn't got the royal hair. The Queen is not his mother.
- What's going on? - Why is he blond?
The King's an adulterer!
- We can explain. - Come, my love. We must leave quickly.
Kim, where are you going?
Kath, look out!
I don't get it. Why do you have to wear a mask?
My sin is not on my face, but in my blood.
I am my father's son, but his bastard son,
and as such, a crime against my kingdom.
So the lady in the painting is not your mum?
No. No, my mother, like you, was Aussie.
You may have heard of her. She goes by the name of 'The Body'.
Shut the front door! Elle Macpherson?
- The same. - Oh!
She was here on a photo shoot.
Oh, Kim! Let me look at you for the first time without my mask.
- How old did you say you were? - Twenty-five and five-quarters.
You have lived a hard life.
- What's that? - The tower.
This is very bad, sire.
The people know you were unfaithful to your queen and betrayed your country.
I fear for your life, sire! You must call off the wedding.
Calm down, you fool! The wedding will go ahead as planned.
- Look, Sire. A fire in the spire! - The Queen!
Oh, my God!
My hair straighteners!
Christina, I'm coming!
Javier, what happened? Who was that woman?
She was my wife, Queen Christina.
- Your wife? - Si.
She was violently insane. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
My poor queen. I tried to look after her as best I could, but I could see
that she had turned her mad jealousy upon you, Kath.
The black car! My hair! The chandelier!
Poor lady. Come on, Javier.
Let's go down to the castle kitchen and I'll make you a nice cup of Jarrah.
- So, she was crazy. - Yes, she had become an evil queen.
Takes one to know one.
Tonight, for the first time ever on MasterChef,
the challenge is to feed an entire village.
You have one hour to feed these people.
- This'll be good. Feeding a village. - Oh, that's pressure.
And in breaking news - another Aussie princess.
Here in Papilloma, one of Europe's most eligible royals,
the enigmatic, and might I say, dishy Crown Prince Julio,
is set to marry Aussie commoner Kim Day.
- That's Kim. - The soon-to-be princess...
That's Kim! ...visits a local orphanage.
- How are you? - You're so thin.
You look great. What's your secret? You can touch me.
Lol, jokes. As if. Pooh, they smell!
In this backward and desperately poor country...
That's Kath! ...time for fun before the nuptials,
as we see when King Javier bestowed some right royal attention
on this unidentified woman.
What the hell!
Howzat
# You told me I was the one
# The only one that got your head undone
# And for a while I believed the line that you spun. #
- You alright there? - Sorry, Princess. After you.
Age before beauty.
You know, Alain, I'd be very careful what I said around me, if you were I.
'Cause when I'm Queen, you are so boned.
I'm so the peasants' princess. I've been papped and hacked. Loving it.
I have to say, it's a surreal scenario, Kim.
You marrying a prince.
I don't understand it, why would an adonis like Julio want to marry you?
Because I'm hot, Mum. And about to be hotter. Bridalplasty, here we come!
I'm really happy with my norkmentation.
They're huge, Kim.
Yeah, I know. He said they'd go down a bit. I hope not.
My trout mouth is nice, isn't it? So kissable.
Where's Kel? Not here.
Too busy kissing Matt Preston's macaroon tower, I suppose.
My face peel might be going septic.
- No. The peeling pillow-face is pretty. - I only did it for Alain.
He's the one.
Alain!
Alain?
Howzat
Let me get this straight.
You don't have Next Top Model, Beauty And The Geek or Jersey Shore?
There's so much I could do here when we're married.
You're making a really big mistake, Kimmy. Please call me back.
- I hate it! - No, you look just like Kate Middleton.
Well, Kate Middleton on cortisone.
Relax, Kel. Kel?
Breathe into the bag and relax. Breathe.
I'm just finally getting treated like the princess I am.
- You're not really a princess, Kim. - No, you're not.
And I still don't get it.
Does Prince Julio know you are a divorcee?
Does he know that you're not of royal blood?
No! And if you say anything, off with your head. I can do it.
Princess Fergie. She's single. That's awkward.
Well, I can put her up the back here with Auntie Norma and the Sarkozys.
Let's just pray Carla doesn't bring out the guitar.
And I'm gonna put Donald Trump and Sarah Palin
on the right of Jenny and Genghis Khan.
As you can see, we've commenced our descent into Rome.
Please switch off all electronic devices and ensure your tray table is up.
- Howzat - Where are you going, Kel?
Kel? Kel? You need to sit down, Kel.
- So, table 11. - Oh, Kim Jong-il hasn't RSVP'd.
Hm! She's dead to me. Bye, Kimmy.
I can put Bangbang Yudhoyono with Nicole and Keith.
- The Urbans. - Yeah, yeah.
Now, just my friends Ravi and Shona Siddhartha.
- What do you have to invite them for? - Because I have to, Kim.
They could go here with the Obamas and Angela Merkel and Vlad and Jill Putin.
That will be quite a fun table actually.
Oh! Come on, mate. Put your clothes on.
PJ, can you get me a Breezer? They're in my saddle bag.
Now!
Don't worry about it. I'll get it myself.
OK, what else do we have to do?
- I've got to write my wedding vows. - Right.
Hey!
Howzat
Well, how much for the throw? One euro? No?
You speak English?
That's it. Bye-bye.
- I think we've done pretty well, Prue. - I think so. Now, what have we got?
I've got the Le Creuset and the Pillivuyt.
- I've got the Gaggenau and the Blanco. - Vessel with the pestle.
Chalice from the palace.
The flagon with the dragon has the beautiful little pellet with the poison.
- Let's get a brew that's true, Prue. - Bring it on. Greash.
Look, Prue. Gonna be a royal wedding in Papilloma.
Papilloma? That's just up the road!
Oh, I went to Fred and Mary's. It was a hoot!
Well, I was at Will and Kate's. Look, we've gotta go.
We've gotta go. It'll be too fun!
It's something to do. I've got that beautiful suit I want to wear.
- Snap! - Snap!
- Ow! - Yay!
I was first!
Snap! I win.
A euro for your thoughts, Javier.
Stop that, please.
Oh, more shoes. You've got oodles.
No, not oodles. Prada.
Kim, will you take a turn around the room with me?
- Eh, alright. - Cool.
- Don't, Sharon. - Kath.
Tell me again about your feelings in your waters. That accent. I haven't...
King Javier, here is the royal wedding dress.
I have let it out.
Quite a lot.
Sire.
What is that noise?
It is only the prior with the choir, sire.
Or maybe friar with his lyre.
Or perhaps... a wire in the dryer.
- I shall enquire, sire. Shall I...? - Si.
I'm gonna slip into something a bit more comfortable and then go and stalk Alain.
Kim, dear. I hear tell that you are an accomplished musician and singer.
Yep, you heard right.
Pray, would you be so kind as to play for us tonight?
Happy to. Prepare to be blown away.
This'll be good.
She went to Bonbeach Yamaha for two lessons.
# My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump
# My lovely lady lumps Check 'em out. #
# I drive these brothers crazy I do it on the daily
# They treat me really nicely They give me all these ices #
Kath, meet me later. Please, Kath.
- No, Javier. I'm married. - You owe me.
- I want you. - No, Javier. Stop it!
# There will be some drama Nah, nah, nah, nah, drama
# What you gonna do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk. #
Kath? What is wrong?
I was just speed-reading about your system of government, Javier.
You shouldn't be worrying your curly head about that.
I had no idea that you're a despot. And an absolute monarch.
I am, Kath.
And admit it, you find that a little bit sexy.
No, Javier. Politically, we're poles apart.
Tonight, there is only one pole that matters.
- Stop it, Javier. - Make me.
- Kel? - What the hell is going on here?
- Who are you? - It's my husband, Javier. Kel.
Uh-huh. The butcher of Fountain Lakes.
Purveyor of Fine Meats, actually, and your worst nightmare.
Unhand my wife!
Oh, Kel.
You don't tell the King of Papilloma what to do.
No, Javier! No, Kel!
Kel, no. He's too strong!
En garde!
Look at the shoes. Zip-up vinyl?
It's all my fault!
Oh! Bloody Isabella! It's way tighter!
- Kim? Kim? - What?
Come on! I gotta show you something.
Alain came out of here.
Oh, my God! Kim!
I'm claustrophobic. Help! Help!
You bloody idiot! I could've fallen down over there.
Help!
Get me out of the closet!
- Sharon, it's not a closet. - Oh, it's a secret passage.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh!
You win. You win.
It's a beautiful morning
and I am here outside the royal palace of Papilloma
where the people have gathered to watch the wedding.
But there is a distinct feeling of unrest amongst the crowd here today.
I can't believe you're here, Kel. You got on the plane.
I had to, love.
Once you left, I realised I'd become a couch potato and a bore.
A bore? No way, Jose. Look at you. You're a terribly interesting guy.
The thought of losing you to another man was more than I could bear.
Nothing really happened with Javier, Kel.
You're a fox, Kath. You're bound to dance with wolves occasionally.
Dance?
Come here, Kevin Costner. We've got a wedding to go to.
Princess Kim and Sharon are nowhere to be found! Didn't sleep in their beds!
Didn't sleep in their beds? What?
Alright, peoples. Get your A into G.
Kel, you get a boomerang pillow from upstairs.
Alain, put a wheat bag in the microwave. I'll check their rooms. Go.
Is this Papilloma?
- Oh, so tired, Epps. - Suck it up, Dad.
Check the walls, Kel. There could be a secret passage.
You know these old castles.
Kath.
Oh, I knew it.
Kim? Sharon?
- Kath, what's this? Where are we? - Oh! This must be Javier's walk-in.
- Oh! - Look at the shoes!
There must be thousands! No wonder Papilloma's bankrupt.
What is it, Kel?
Look at the man bags!
Well, they're not here. Come on, Kel, let's go.
- Wow. How the other half lives. - Kel?
Gee, Kath. Maybe they found out who Kim really is.
Or isn't, more to the point.
They've kidnapped her. Poor Kim. She could be being tortured as we speak.
- Welcome to Alain's! - How do you like the disco dungeon?
Alain's? But didn't he arrest you?
No, Alain has saved us.
He makes prison life down here a little more bearable,
until the law is changed.
He's always popping down from upstairs with essentials.
New CDs, shampoos, et cetera.
Oh, it's great. I feel... right at home.
Of course, you do.
- Kim? - Kim?
- Sharon! - Kim?
Sharon!
Kel! Kel, I can hear Kim. She's in there.
Oh, look, Kath, it's a cave. I'll save you, Kim.
- Ooh... - Oh, Kel.
Give me a go.
Well, I loosened it.
Psst.
Hey, you OK?
I'm trying to get to Papilloma. Is this the way?
Yeah. We're going there. We'll give you a lift.
Great!
- Are you Aussies? - Yeah.
- Oh, what a scream. - You going to the royal wedding?
- Yeah. - Hello. What school do you go to?
- God bless you, lady. - No, I'm just doing what's right.
Sharon. You alright, Kim?
- Thank you. Thank you. - It's alright.
- What about King Javier? - Leave him to me.
- Gracias, madre de dios! - Just call me Kath.
Mum!
Hello, you. Haven't we met somewhere before?
- Well, I was in the navy for six years. - Hmm.
Ahem! And now Alain the page will sing the National Anthem -
Don't Cry For Me, Papilloma.
# Don't cry for me, Papilloma #
The wedding! It's started.
Oh, my God! I can't get married.
I can't get papped looking like this.
- It's all your fault, Sharon. - What?
You bloody idiot, getting me stuck in that closet.
You can't do anything right! You're hopeless!
You're so dropped as my second-best friend.
Kimmy! Kimmy! Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
Now, I've got one word to say to you, Kim.
- Bibbitybobbetyboo! - Hello, possums!
- Oh, no! Bum! What was it? - What place is this?
- Oh, it's Papilloma, Dame Edna. - Papilloma?
Oh! Bum! What was it? I can't remember.
Don't change her back, Mrs. D. I like her.
I do too, Sharon, but no. No... I got it.
Bibbity-bobbity-bridezilla!
- Oh, no. - Oh, no, Mum. I love it.
It does look nice, love. You look like a big, fat gypsy.
- Thanks, Mum. - How'd you do that, Kath?
Well, you know I'm a white witch, Kel. I did the TAFE course in Wicca.
Uh, good.
Psst.
Zadok The Priest
And now the bride arrives
wearing the traditional Papilloma wedding dress.
Oh, hang on a moment. No, that doesn't seem right.
If there are any objections to this... speak now or...
Mummy! I rocked it out and I won Little Miss Princess Supreme.
- Kim! - 'Mummy'? I thought you were a virgin.
Believe me, Julio, compared to the bikes in Fountain Lakes, I practically am.
Way to go, Epps. Brett, what are you doing here?
- Kim, I want you back. - Who is this?
- My ex-husband. Don't worry. - I miss your mean little mug.
I want you back.
OK, OK. So, you are divorced and you are a mother.
You are a princess, yes?
No, she's not a princess, Julio. She's a stupid girl.
- And a commoner. - Well, she's common.
Stop it, Trude. You're dreadful!
They're right. Her dad was plain old Gary Poole of Gary Poole's Pools,
Nepean Highway, Fountain Lakes.
- Gary Poole, of Fountain Lakes? - Yes.
- I am the real princess. - What?
The Queen wrote me a letter. She was my mother.
- Your mother? - Yes.
- And I am the true heir. - What lies! The Queen was barren.
No! She speaks the truth.
I know, sire, you always blamed the Queen for your childless state,
and hence had her locked away secretly in the tower.
But one night, she summoned me...
...ordered me to pumice her bunion.
Nine months later, a baby girl was born.
- You? - The Queen by this time was quite mad.
But the child's very existence proved it was you, King Javier, who was barren!
Treason. Traitor!
- Guards, seize him! - Wait!
I knew both our lives would be in danger.
So, I had the baby left on the castle steps to be brought up as a servant,
but under my watchful, fatherly eye.
So that's why you didn't want this wedding and tried to kill me.
- Because of her. - No, I just don't like you.
I tried to kill you!
- You took my boyfriend. - Boyfriend?
- No, I am the heir. I am the King's... - No, Julio!
Your mother, Macpherson,
was already with child when she arrived in Papilloma.
It suited her to have the King think it was his as she had just landed
a semi-regular spot on Friends, and wanted to be an actress.
She, too, was completely mad.
So Javier told the people that the Queen had bored him a son!
I'm the one that's bored. Am I still going to get papped?
Wait! There is more.
The Queen told me she once had a brother, Prince Gary,
rightful heir to Papilloma until Javier's father seized the throne.
The child Gary was secreted out of the kingdom.
- His name was changed to Poole. - Poole?
And unaware of his royal heritage,
he lived out his days in the godforsaken land of Fountain Lakes.
That sounds like the most unbelievable coincidence.
- I know, but it's true. - Then my dad's a king?
Then I am a princess!
- And I'm a princess. - And I'm a princess.
- And you're my father. - And you're not my father.
- I'm not a prince. - And I'm really a queen!
- Me too! - I'm just confused.
I knew it. I knew it. I told you, Sharon.
Lower.
- Come on, let's get out there. - But we didn't get married.
Who cares? It's my time to shine.
Hi. Hi.
The people, they're going to kill us. What can I tell them?
The truth, Javier. It's time.
Speak to your peoples. Go.
Silence!
There was no wedding today. We have no royal marriage.
And Papilloma is broke.
Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!
- What are they doing? - Hello? Revolting.
Get back to your houses!
Food! Food!
Javier, as rightful queen, let me speak to my peoples.
A bit of shush, please.
Let her speak! Let her speak! No, let her speak!
My name is Kath Day-Knight,
and I'm as gropable as you are about the situation here in Papilloma.
I know you are bojangled.
I know you are up to pussy's bow.
You would be a pack of nongs and have rocks in your head if you weren't.
Peoples, peoples! Lend me your ears, toute suite.
I say to you the revolution starts now
and I say to King Javier,
you may have vajazzled your people, but you cannot vajazzle me.
- Feed us! - Hungry! Food!
I know you're hungry. I'm hungry too.
- What are we gonna do? - There is... nothing can be done.
Yes. Yes, there is. I can feed a village.
It's a Pressure Test. Kath, leave it to me.
Oh, Kel! You're amazing! That's settled, peoples.
We'll see you all back here at eight o'clock
for some good food, music and ideas.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! - The people want a kiss on the balcony.
Out of the way, bozo.
- Come here, you. - Oh, Kel.
Aserejé
Alright, you have five minutes. You should be plating up now.
Hello, how are you? Oh, hello. How are you? Beautiful.
You are a natural.
Together we can have absolute power and rule Papilloma forever.
No, Javier! You need to have an election.
Oh, yes. Keep talking.
Keep it moving, people. We've got a whole village to feed.
Well done, keep it moving through there.
I've realised something, Brett.
- You get me. - Yeah, I do.
You get me breakfast in bed, Nando's whenever I want.
- Hey, Witchy-poo. - Oh, Kel!
- They're loving your chicken feet. - Oh, feels really nice, doll.
The peasants up the back need more of your cucumber foam.
- Can you work your magic? - I'm not up to foam yet, Kel.
Mrs. D is right. Life is short, life is dull.
And I believe life is there to be lived.
Sorry, Sharon. Isn't the gay thing a slight problem?
- What? You're gay? Oh, no! - Not me, love.
What?
Madre de dios! How are we paying for tonight's party?
Don't worry, Javier. We'll put all your shoes on eBay.
- No! - Yes, I've done the TAFE course.
If it makes you feel any better, Javier, I'll donate some of my vintage Crocs.
Oh, that's sorted.
- Alone again. - Me too.
Do you like golf?
- Do I? - I'd love to play with you some time.
- Do you play netball? - Yes, of course, I do.
So, now you're going to rule Papilloma.
I will only be a titular head, now that we are a democracy.
Do you think we could be a pair of titular heads together?
Isabella, you won't try to kill me, will you?
- How are you, King Javier? - Brilliant.
I have to say, we love a tyrant.
Oh, he's so cute. Look at the powerful hair.
Gorgeous! We need you in the Liberal Party.
- I am all ears. - No. We don't need any more of those.
Have you seen Tony Abbott? He's just all ears.
Got to admit, Kimmy, we've done a great job with Epps, eh?
Yeah. I don't know how we did it. We've created a monster.
Not the hair! God! Go.
You
Oh, that's beautiful, Jesus.
If you just get that cable and plug that in, love.
Once we've plugged it in, we can power up these babies. It's gonna be so nice.
'One pair khaki crocossins. One distressed pleather man bag.'
Look at the workmanship.
# And I wonder how I ever got along
# Without you
# There's something very special... #
Tizianna.
Congratulations.
You're still in the running to become Papilloma's Best Hot Model.
Kim, you look so expensive.
Yeah, tell me something I don't know, Alex.
Chuchulia.
Priest to priest, Father Jesus, Father Jose,
I now pronounce you married!
Go now in peace.
Thank you.
Hombre to hombre, man-o a man-o,
in the eyes of the Republic of Papilloma,
I now pronounce you married.
Oh, too fun. Time to go, though.
- Oh, I love this song. - Hi, Paulo.
# I never can say goodbye
# No, no, no, I
# I never can say goodbye. #
Never Can Say Goodbye
# I never can say goodbye
# No, no, no, no, I, I never can say goodbye
# Every time I think I've had enough And start heading for the door
# There's a very strange vibration
# Piercing me right to the core
# It says turn around you fool
# You know you love him more and more
# Tell me why # Tell me why
# Is it so?
# Don't wanna let you go
# Hey, I never can say goodbye, boy
# Ooh, baby
# I never can say goodbye
# No, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no
# Hey, I never can say goodbye... #
I'm not gonna lie. I'm so hot.
Can't wait for the sequel and the prequel.
Oh, and the rest, Kim.
I'm really scared that we might have another Harry Potter on our hands.
Yeah. You know, Fountain Lakes is a bit like Hogwarts, isn't it?
- You're a hog and I've got a wart. - Oh, shut up, Mum!
Actually, that wart's gone, Kim.
Gee, thank you, Wart-Off and thank you, Terry Pattinson Pharmacies.
So I guess it's goodbye to Papilloma.
In both ways - Papilloma the place and Papilloma the infection.
Hey, people are leaving! Don't go, we haven't finished yet.
We're still talking.
Go and get a choc-top and come back for the next session
because you'll be wanting to see this film over and over again.
It's that good.
Captions by Captioning & Subtitling International
# Tell me why # Is it so?
# I don't wanna let you go
# Hey, I never can say goodbye, boy
# Ooh, ooh, baby
# I never can say goodbye
# No, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no
# Ooh, ooh
# Hey, I never can say goodbye, boy
# Ooh, ooh, baby
# I never can say goodbye
# No, no, no, no, no, no No, no, no. #
Howzat
# You told me I was the one
# The only one that got your head undone
# And for a while I believed the line that you spun
# But I've been looking at you
# Looking closely at the things you do
# I didn't see it the way you wanted me to
# How how # Howzat
# You messed about, I caught you out Howzat
# Now that I found where you're at
# It's goodbye
# Well, howzat
# It's goodbye
# You only came for a smile
# Even though you're really not my style
# I didn't think that you'd run me 'round like you do
# How how # Howzat
# You messed about, I caught you out Howzat
# Now that I found where you're at
# It's goodbye
# Well, howzat
# It's goodbye
# Ooh, yeah
# Aaaah
# Well, I've been looking at you # I'll tell you what I see
# Looking closely at the things you do # No, you can't fool me
# I didn't see it the way you wanted me to
# How how # Howzat
# You messed about, I caught you out Howzat
# Now that I found where you're at
# It's goodbye
# Howzat
# You messed about, I caught you out Howzat
# Now that I found where you're at
# It's goodbye
# Well, howzat
# It's goodbye
# Ooh, yeah
# Doo-wah doo-wah doo-wah doo-wah
# Aaaah. #